Captain’s Log,
Ruby and I decided to try for one last baby. I don’t know how she convinced me to go for it again. I think that she believes that if she has a boy this time then I won’t end up following my plan of leaving here as soon as I can. I don’t even know how she found out about it. I’ve been trying to keep it a secret because I don’t want to worry anyone. However the more I see my family the more I am convinced that it would be for the best if I left. I no longer can care for them like I used to even though I have been trying. Maybe that will change in the future and I can stay, but it doesn’t seem very likely right now.
The worry of me leaving has strangely also caused Ruby to leave me alone more and spend more and more time with her children. This came as a relief to me, but the greater time apart may also have been because I was no longer at home when I could avoid it.
Before hiding at the library for the rest of the day, I helped out in the garden. It really takes a long time and is really good for gaining gardening skills. I have decided that even if I am going to leave eventually, I should still try and make my family’s life easier while I’m still here. Five of them didn’t ask to be brought into this life so I owe it to them to do what I can for them. I have begun to hide my depression, and desire to leave, better and am putting on a mask for my family, to protect them.
Nelly was a fast learner and mastered her toddler skills in no time. We had nothing left to teach her, so she is left alone even more now. It’ll probably be easier on her once she turns into a child and can interact with others more easily, but she seemed happy enough to just sit and play with her toys. I was right, by the way, once she finally did start playing with the xylophone she turned out to be very good at it. Although her attention span was much shorter then Maria’s when she played.
One of the girls, I forget which one, brought home a boy after school. Ruby made sure to intercept him right away to interrogate him about his intentions. I think she might have scared him off since he was gone by the time I returned home. Scaring him away was probably a good thing because from what I hear, he’s a rather girly kind of boy and I don’t want any of my girls fooling around with any boys.
Ruby’s guitar had just been collecting dust since probably before the twins were born and Maria had been eyeing it ever since she turned into a child, but only now worked up the courage to ask Ruby if she could play it. Ruby agreed immediately and Maria turned out to be just as gifted on the guitar as she was on the xylophone when she was a toddler.
In the evening, we gathered around for Nelly’s birthday. I made it home just in time to watch Nelly being brought to the cake, but Hilda was noticeably absent. Putting thoughts of my other daughter from my mind, I cheered along with the others, putting on a brave face to celebrate Nelly’s birthday.
With a twirl and a flash of sparkles, Nelly turned into a lovely child.
Nelly ran off after a dinner of cake to change her hair and clothes. Even though she doesn’t seem as friendly as the other girls, she has really developed a big personality and definitely lets the world know that she is there.
Before bed she was able to find the toy oven that I had bought a while ago hoping to interest one of the girls in cooking. She took an immediate liking to it and tried to make a few muffins before bed. They turned out really good even though it was her first time even thinking about baking or cooking anything.
It wasn’t until most of us were in bed that I finally found out why Hilda wasn’t home for Nelly’s birthday. I had told my girls that even though they were old enough to hold part time jobs, they weren’t going to be allowed to work. They need to concentrate on their schoolwork and besides, I didn’t much care for the idea of any women working in my family.
Well Hilda chose to ignore me, and when her school offered her a little boost to her grade if she went after school to work for the day at the local corporation office she leapt at the chance. Instead of coming home straight after she stayed there for half the night to do her homework, partly so that she could say that the work didn’t affect her schoolwork, but also partly so that she would have less of a chance running into us when she got home.
Doing her homework outside the office meant that she was out past curfew so she had to run home through side streets to avoid being found out by the cops. However all of her planning didn’t help too much. I was still awake when she came home and confronted her about it. After a stern talking to, I informed her that for willfully disobeying me she was going to be grounded for the rest of the week. She didn’t think it was fair because she thought that since I took so little interest in the family now I should have no say over what she does anymore. She may have a point, but I couldn’t let her know that otherwise all my authority would have been gone.
After sending her to bed I too went to bed exhausted.
I didn’t even wake up when Ruby rose to find out that she was pregnant for the fifth, and truly last time.
Ruby heard of an old wives' tale that if she ate enough apples, then the baby would be born a boy. So she grabbed all of the apples that we had been harvesting and made sure to eat as many as she could even though she just found out about being pregnant.
I’m starting to have misgivings about having another child. After my talk with Hilda, I don’t think I can continue trying to lead a double life. I need to try and chose one way or the other, I just don’t know if I can.
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